By: B Goode

I have itchy fingers. I’ve got this spot of psoriasis between my index and middle fingers (there’s a joke in there somewhere but I’m going to let it pass) in which the doctor had prescribed steroid cream. It seemed to work and as I was googling for the side-effects of steroids, I was directed to the news article of a spat between PM Lee and his sister Wei Ling. Don’t ask me what’s the link between steroids and the Lee siblings but google can be strange sometimes.

Anyway, I have been following Wei Ling’s musings for quite some time especially after the death of her father LKY. Like many, I enjoyed her writings because they gave an insight into the life of LKY that was not privy to others. But unlike others, somehow or rather I also felt her writings to be her own way of dealing with grief. Papa this. Papa that….

But lately it started to get really weird.

She reminded me of my two year old nephew who would go into a jealous rage whenever someone got near to his mom. He was clingy. Understandable for a two year old child but Dr Lee Wei Ling looks like she is in her thirties.

Age, hair and `no you are not fat’; three things you lie to a woman to make her happy.

Most of us could understand that Wei Ling missed her father. Being the youngest child and the only daughter and the fact that she has lived with her parents all her life would make anyone, even the head of a brain institute, all weepy.

But to wail and accuse her brother of abusing his powers and chiding Singaporeans for remembering the legacy of LKY, that would be a little….creepy.

We get it. She is the daughter of LKY. But that does not mean that she has the sole right on how LKY is supposed to be remembered, simply because LKY was, to me at least, a legend.

At the end of the day, if she truly believed that LKY’s wishes should be followed to the letter, than perhaps she should leave the family home so that it could be demolished as per LKY’s request.

But apparently she is still clinging to the memory of her father, just like how some Singaporeans cling to the memory of their leader.

By: B Goode

When Ho Ching posted a picture of a monkey on her facebook, she got whacked.  When Denise Phua called some foreign workers `walking time bombs’, she also got whacked.

When the lady above posted that picture on her facebook, she was mocked and condemned because of her dress. They complained that her dress had a picture of a vagina. Maybe I am blind but I have never seen a vagina looking like that. Or maybe because I am not a gynaecologist. Or most probably because I was always too drunk to observe.

I will do it next time. Promise.

Nowadays, you cannot use the word handicap unless you are playing golf. You cannot call a person blind, or deaf, or dumb. You need to call them something-impaired. And God help you if you were to call someone one-legged even when you see him hopping to cross the road. He is to be called a leg-amputee.

Once upon a time, same-sex people were called homosexuals. Then they wanted to differentiate themselves according to sex which was ironic to say the least. So the males are now called gays (G) and the females, lesbians (L). Then the transgenders, hands on their hips, screeched `Hello! What about us? We are neither here nor there’. So they were given the letter (T). Then came the bisexuals, who unlike the transgenders, wanted to be in anyone and everyone, and they were given the letter (B). And so we have the acronym LGBT.

But that was not the end of the story. The crossdressers came along and wanted to be included as well. So they were assigned the letter (Q) for queers. So it became LGBTQ. But the story went on and on with people with strange sexual tendencies and those who identified themselves as attack helicopters wanted to be included as well. That was when even the most political correct (PC) of the lot gave up and simply gave the rest the sign (+). So finally we have LGBTQ+

I missed the days when they were all called bapok.

And now I heard that the spades wanted to be called soil-removing implements. They do not want to be called spades anymore.

I do agree that political correctness (PC) has its merits. But sometimes, it is taken way way too far.

Take the case of Denise Phua and her description of foreign workers gathering in huge numbers in Serangoon Road as walking time-bombs. It was a perfect description. So perfect that no explanation was needed. You must be stupid, err.. I mean intellectually-challenged not to understand the message she was trying to convey. But the poor woman had to issue an apology.

And that monkey picture that Ho Ching posted?

Although I am not one to be politically correct, I try to be litigation-free.

So I am just going to keep my mouth shut and pretend to be speech-impaired.

By: B Goode

The NEA recently announced that they were going to use bacteria in their fight against the dengue-causing Aedes mosquitoes.

They have certainly brought outsourcing to a totally new level. What’s next? Using smoke-detecting drones to catch smokers?

If anything, this idea is lazy and potentially dangerous.

The plan is to infect the male Aedes mosquitoes with a type of bacteria that when transmitted to the female mosquitoes via sex, would render the female mosquitoes infertile. I just hope that they successfully infect the normal male aedes mosquitoes, if you know what I mean.

I am not a bacteriologist but one thing I’ve learnt from watching the movie `The Blob’ is that these bloody bacteria are able to mutate very quickly especially inside a fast living animal such as the mosquito. What would happen if the bacteria mutated and instead of making female mosquitoes infertile, it made their female human victims infertile instead?

Maybe I am over-reacting but you guys should really watch `The Blob’.

There is actually already something in place to combat the dengue menace. It only requires the NEA officers to work more diligently and honestly. It is called `house-to-house’ visits.

What I am about to say next may cause someone in the NEA to be in trouble. So his identity will remain a secret.

Let’s just call him Mr Sneech.

Mr. Sneech told me that the job of NEA anti-dengue task force was pretty easy. They only had to make house-to-house visits, do some checks and if any mosquito breeding was found, issue summonses. Before then, they’d be given an area to visit.

If you asked me, that would be a tough job to do. So I told Mr. Sneech that, and he said:

“No la. Very easy one”.

Apparently, depending on their mood, they didn’t necessarily do all the checks. Sometimes, they’d just note down that certain residences had been checked when in actual fact, they were drinking coffee at the coffee-shop or enjoying the air-con in the condo’s gym. Or they’d just note that no one was home.

Meanwhile, a swarm of mosquitoes were having an orgy under the kitchen sinks of the houses they were supposed to visit but didn’t.

I don’t know whether Mr Sneech was telling me the truth but at least he has inadvertently exposed a procedural loop-hole. It would have been easy for NEA officers to `eat snake’ because there was no way for anyone to confirm the veracity of their reports. It would all have to depend on the NEA officers’ own honesty.

But as I have said before, if everyone could be trusted, there was no need for heaven and hell.

Maybe it would be good for the NEA officers to be asked by their supervisors to produce proofs of checks. Photos of the places that they have checked perhaps. Or the signatures of the residents.

And to the NEA officers. If you are guilty of this bad habit, please stop and be diligent at your work because the next dengue fatality could well be one of your loved ones.

By: B Goode

Health Minister Gan recently announced that he’d make fighting diabetes his number one priority.

Oh oh! Pattern lai liao….

Call me cynical but the government will never fight for nothing. It is always for something. And in this case, I smell money.

Usually it would start off with someone making an issue out of something. And then in the following days and weeks and months, other government sycophants would blow the issue out of proportion. The brown-nosing media would then take up the cudgel and print studies and research papers and polls and amputees’ sob stories and then BAM! sugar tax.

If we were to have sugar tax in Singapore, we would not be the first in the world. Other countries such as the UK, already have sugar tax. I am not sure whether it is working in combating diabetes but I am sure the media will soon say that it is.

As a smoker (yeah sue me!), I don’t mind sugar tax because I am convinced that sugar is really bad for your health. As to whether smoking is bad, it definitely is….for your wallet.  Because we’ve had tobacco tax and smoking restrictions for years and what happened? The rate of cancer has been increasing over the years and it was telling that the statistics didn’t say how many of them were actually smokers.

Again call me cynical, but it seemed as though the government treated smokers, and drinkers like ATMs.

“We need more money for the pioneer generation”, said Heng Swee Kiat.

“Don’t worry. Just increase the tobacco and alcohol tax”, replied Tharman.

*The above conversation may or may not happen.

Which brings me to the real reason why I’d love sugar tax.  It would at least take the heat off us smokers and drinkers.

And I am looking forward to the day when there will be health warning on all sugar products, the ban on the consumption of sugar products in hospitals, void-decks, enclosed areas, 400 parks (hahaha), and on their sale between 10.30pm and 7am, age restrictions (sorry kids) and undercover MOH officers sneaking around behind pillars to catch people sucking on lollipops.

Meanwhile more people will still get fat and die of diabetes.

By: B Goode

I once had a colleague who had perfected the art of not working much. He’d have his job scope pasted on the wall of his partition. So whenever his colleagues or even his manager was to ask him to do something, he’d check his job scope. If the work wasn’t listed there, he’d turn the request down.

He didn’t get into much trouble because firstly he didn’t break any rule. But most importantly all the jobs that he was supposed to do, he did them splendidly.

He must have followed the mantra `Don’t work hard. Work smart’ to the letter.

In a way, The Workers Party (WP) reminded me of that colleague of mind. They will only do what they are supposed to do. Nothing more.

Take the case of the Elected Presidency Review Committee that is now sitting to get feedbacks and ideas from the public. The WP have stated that they are not going to get involved. They will wait for the completed bill to be tabled in Parliament to be debated on. Maybe because they felt that they were `sikit atas’, parliamentarians, the peoples’ choice and so they’d rather leave all the dirty work to the peons and general workers.

Or most probably they just didn’t have any ideas to contribute.

I could understand that preparing a proposal, submitting it, and having to face the review committee would involve a lot of hard work. I could also understand if the WP would rather spend that time to manage the town council instead. Because that’s what they are supposed to do.

But even then, their basic work is left much to be desired. AHPETC is still having some financial issues after so many years.

So unlike my ex-colleague who was damn good in what he was supposed to do, the WP on the other hand, couldn’t even get their basic job scope right.

So unlike my ex-colleague, the WP deserved to get the sack.

By: B Goode

There are things in life that simply boggle the mind.

Take the case of the lesbian who was found not guilty of digital penetration (fingering) of a child. The reason according to the presiding Judge was because the law implied that only men could commit the offence.

I mean, it’s as if only men have fingers and women don’t…

But I took solace in the fact that at least she was found guilty of an indecent act and that the AG would be filing an appeal against the acquittal.

But what is more boggling is that the bastion of squabbling feminists, lesbians and gossipy aunties aka AWARE that is supposed to represent the interest of women has been keeping very quiet.

Perhaps they empathized with the accused because she is a woman and a lesbian. But the victim is a girl ffs!

The least I’d expect them to do was to implore the AG to lodge an appeal but nope.

No wonder many people saw AWARE as nothing more than an association where their members met to gossip and exchange cake recipes.

And we shall wait and see if the congregation of full-time estate managers/part-time lawmakers aka Parliament would change the law should the AG’s appeal failed.

By: B Goode

I had a very interesting chat with an old friend of mine today. He is vulgar but politically astute, articulate and opinionated. So yeah, your typical kopitiam uncle.

So instead of saying `he said, I said’, this article will be an amalgamation of the ideas emanating from our talkcock session. If this article is controversial, it’s because that man is a lightning rod for controversies. I always joked with him that there were three places I could find him; the kopitiam, his home and if not those two, behind the blue gate.

There has been intense speculation that Heng Swee Kiat is the heir apparent to the PMship, although he looks more like a spare than an heir. Put him side-by-side with Tharman and you will see what I mean.

Remember when LKY was looking for his replacement? S Dhanabalan was touted as a potential candidate but LKY shot the idea down by saying that Singapore wasn’t ready for an Indian PM.

Fast forward to 2016. A lot have changed. Singaporeans’ attitude towards race in politics have matured somewhat. Generally Singaporeans don’t see race as a factor in governance.

Let’s put it this way, despite the fact that the Indians (kudos to them) are overly represented in certain sector of government, nobody bats an eyelid. The Minister for Law who is also the Minister for Home Affairs is an Indian. The AG, the Chief Justice and not to mention a lot of the DPPs and lawyers are from the same community. Because of this, the Indian community in fact has a very powerful voice in government. And I applaud them for their achievement.

But the Premiership is a different matter.  It is difficult to be colour blind. And this is not exclusive to Singapore. There is a black President in the US. Had a Japanese President in Peru.  An Indian PM in Fiji.

But not being colour blind does not necessarily mean not accepting. And perhaps this is where Murali comes in.

Could Murali be the litmus test to see if Singapore is ready for a non-Chinese PM?

Personally I don’t think so because way before the GRC scheme, we already had minority MPs. And of course the late JBJ won Anson constituency. The counter-argument nonetheless would be that those were from different eras and borne out of unique circumstances.  And the fact that now we have the GRC scheme shows that race still plays an important part in Singapore politics.

Whatever it is, the outcome of the Bukit Batok by-election will be interesting to say the least.

By: B Goode

Singer, songwriter, actor, music icon Prince Rogers Nelson, the only Prince with real credentials in this world, is dead. He was 57.

2016 is proving once again to be a bitch, and confirming my belief that the Grim Reaper is a woman experiencing menopause. I hope she gives my favourite chanteuse Anita Sarawak a wide berth.

Prince was found dead in his recording studio last night after complaining of having the flu for the past two weeks. He converted to jehovah’s witness in 2001 even doing door-to-door visits disguised in a wig.

Rest in peace the-artist-formerly-known-as-prince.

And here’s why he was every guitarists favourite guitarist:

By: B Goode

The SDP’s mini-manifesto for Bukit Batok looks good.

By focussing on localised, town-councillish issues and trying to win the hearts of the voters with social action plans, the SDP have gotten their strategy to perfection. Well, almost.

I will let the PAP IBs pick bones with the manifesto. Oh never mind. Let me just pick one. Except for using his MP allowance if he gets elected, why wait to get elected before implementing the rest of the ideas?

Having said that however, by shedding any pretence of being the intellectual political party which SDP is trying hard to be, they have managed to put forward a very convincing sales pitch.

There is one big problem though. And his name is Dr Chee Soon Juan.

As I have written before but this time I will say it more seriously; Dr Chee is very dislikeable and repugnant. Not as a person I am sure but as a politician. And I will go as far as to say that he is un-electable.

When SDP was under Chiam See Tong, they were arguably a force to be reckoned with. Stronger than the WP even. They actually won the Bukit Gombak SMC in 1991. But ever since Chee manoeuvred to kick Chiam out of the SDP a few years later, the party has lost its mojo. It is pertinent to note that in the last GE, Chee only won slightly more that 30% of the votes. This despite him being heralded (mostly by him, himself) as the return of the precocious child from the political wilderness.

Most people see Chee as bad-mannered, disrespectful and boorish. Who could forget his shouting extravaganza in Macpherson? Or his blatant lies that resulted in him getting sued and lost by the PAP leadership? And of course the way he treated Chiam See Tong. Gangsta-politics have no room in Singapore. Unless your name is Lee Kuan Yew.

Most importantly though, you can say a lot of things about Singaporeans; whiny, entitled, bratty, ugly but one thing they hold dear is loyalty. Not to a party or individual but to the nation. So when you have someone like Chee using global platforms to diss Singapore, you can bet that Singaporeans will not forgive nor will they forget.

So if the SDP want to see the party be great again, they will have no choice but to ditch Dr Chee. I mean, if even the republican elder statesmen are contemplating ditching Donald Trump if he doesn’t win the nomination outright because he is seen as someone un-electable, why not SDP?

Dr Chee is SDP. SDP is Dr Chee.

Dr Chee is dislikeable. SDP is dislikeable.

Remove Dr Chee and make SDP great again!

By: B Goode

When I read the news that cultural-appropriator and the PAP’s candidate for Bukit Batok, Ah Mu (birth name: Murali Pillai) said that the slated $1.9m (Apa? $1.9m only? – laughed Najib) infrastructure improvements for Bukit Batok would be forfeited if he was not elected MP, I was suddenly yanked back to the 1990s when a prata had cost 50cts and the PM was Panjang (birth name: Goh Chok Tong).

Some people argued that he was just offering election carrots. (Apa? Just carrots?) Oh just stfu Najib…Ali.

But the point is; they are not his carrots unless that $1.9m came from his own pocket or PAP’s own war-chest.

It was akin to Phua Chu Kang telling me that he’d not renovate my house if I didn’t engage him as the contractor. It is a classic example of an argument between a horse and a cart.

And my reply would be: “You can go and bury yourself in Lim Chu Kang lah Phua Chu Kang. I’ll get Choa Chu Kang instead.”

*Ok. I’ll find my way out. I seriously must stop watching PCK reruns.

Back in the 1990s, I voted for the PAP because I couldn’t bear to see my late mother who was suffering from diabetes and asthma struggling to climb up and down the four flights of stairs. Unfortunately she died some 2 years before the lift was built. I didn’t blame anyone for her death but I cursed and swore at the PAP for using public funds to decide whose sick mother got to use the lift first. Until now I’d still spit whenever I was at East Coast Park.

And I wasn’t the only one who was angry. Many others did too and as a result, PAP’s share of the popular votes plummeted.

So to Murali, my advice is, play it clean. Play it fair.

The by-election is yours to lose anyway.

By: B Goode

In case you didn’t know because you were all too distracted by The Ah Mu and Ah Chee Show, there was something more hallowed happening somewhere else. It is called The Constitutional Commission On The Review Of The Elected Presidency which unfortunately is fast becoming a Minority Rebranding Exercise.

It wasn’t the fault of the honourable commission members but at some point, some of the argument put forward by the participants got me shaking my head.

Take for example the team from Institute of Policy Studies (IPS) represented by Dr Gillian Koh, deputy director, and Mr Tan Min-Wei, researcher.

Dr Koh started off by saying that a candidate’s track record, instead of his or her race, should be considered during the Presidential Election. Specifying that a certain ethnic minority should be president is against Singapore’s multicultural ethos and meritocracy and it could be considered tokenism.

But then her colleague Mr Tan suggested that the process of applying to be a presidential candidate be made simpler so more minority candidates would consider running. He added that deposits for minority candidates could also be eliminated.

Seriously? On one hand you wanted the elected President to be based on merit. But on the other hand you wanted the process to be made simpler for the minority candidates and for the deposits for them to be eliminated. Why?

Is it because you think that the minorities are simple-minded and stupid? And also because deep inside your heart you know that they are going to lose that’s why you want their deposits eliminated? Or you think that they are poor?

And they were not the only ones brandishing the word `tokenism’ as if it would make them looked smarter.

Since when is it considered alright to refer to the minorities as tokens? And since when does tokenism become a bad word?

In a fledgling multi-racial democracy like Singapore, where race still plays an important part in politics, having constitutional safeguards to ensure the continued representation of minorities in elected offices is not tokenism. Rather, it is a recognition of the important contribution of the minorities in the society. And the recognition that if based only on merited popular votes, the chances of them losing is higher than someone from the majority.

Anyone who thinks that Singapore’s political landscape is devoid of racial undertones is either delusional or in a chronic state of denial.

Now is not the time to perform a minority rebranding exercise. The minorities in Singapore, as far as politics is concerned, need that little bit of help to ensure that their voices continued to be heard.

And oh by the way, my congratulations to a `token’ member,  Saiyidah Aisyah for being the first Singaporean rower to be eligible for the Olympics!

By: B Goode

Truth be told, I don’t know if my MP is working part-time or full-time. I am not even sure if he is working at all. And depending on what day of the week you asked me, I might not even remember his name.

I have never seen him around my block since the day I voted for him. I don’t know where his office is. Only once did I catch a glimpse of him on TV attending a parliamentary meeting. Even then, I suspected he was nodding off.

But I don’t care. As long as my lift is working full-time, my corridor lights are functioning, my estate is clean and the bushes trimmed regularly, I am happy.

Except for this bloody flock of pigeons that roost on my window sill leaving behind shit and feathers and I am sure, bird-flu virus as well. I have been complaining to the town council for months now and nothing has been done because apparently my MP is also a tree-hugger.

Oh well.

The always affable don’t-kick-a-man-when-he-is-down Dr Chee Soon Juan said that if he was elected MP for Bukit Batok, he’d be working full time. God knows where he’s going to find the time in-between his busy schedule of being a top-selling author, sole bread winner, family man, awesome leader of an intellectual political party, champion of the downtrodden, popular speaker at international political conventions et ceterasarcasm.

But I shall let it slide.

In case you do not know because you are unemployed like Dr Chee, most companies have the year-end appraisal for their employees. In one of the columns, is a category called `Delegation’. It is to assess how much work you give to your colleagues and subordinates. Initially I thought the more you delegated, the more it meant that you were lazy and a tai-chi master. On the contrary, it meant that somehow or rather you were good. Don’t ask me how it works. I always got a (5) and I was happy to continue passing the buck around whilst I surf porn work on my power-point.

Since Dr Chee said that he’d be a full-time MP, it could only mean that he didn’t know the power of delegation. A leader is like an artist. He’d draw the big picture but the canvas, easel, paints and brushes would have to come from someone else. Unless he is Vincent Van Gogh. But Van Gogh was insane. Hmmm…

So whenever I hear that someone will be a full-time MP, I will always have this perception:

1. He is not persuasive,
2. He is lying,
3. His job is damn easy,
4. He doesn’t trust his colleagues and subordinates,
5. He is a pain-in-the-ass micro manager,
6. He has never worked before,
7. Have I mentioned he is lying….?

I’d rather have an MP who played golf everyday as long as I didn’t have to wash the pigeon shit off my window sill every morning.

Oh wait….

By: B Goode

I am not shy neither am I cool to say that I want Murali to win the by election. It’s not because I have a soft spot for the minorities or that my favourite colour is white, but because I’ve got a $20 bet with a friend.

But I think I can already kiss my money goodbye. There goes my one-month supply of Maggie noodles.

I didn’t get this feeling of losing from looking at the number of people attending the rallies. Those at SDP’s rallies were mostly `tourists’ from other parts of the island looking for some entertainment. After all, we do love our getais.

Wherelse those at the PAP rally were mostly PAP diehards and people who were not ashamed to be branded as not cool for being seen in a PAP event. I mean, would you come all the way from East Coast, taking the unreliable MRT just to watch Grace Fu talk?

It all started well for Team PAP actually. Except for a few hiccups such as the offering of other people’s carrots, Murali managed to concentrate on issues that mattered to the heartlanders; efficient estate management, schemes for the less fortunate etc. For a while Team SDP was on the back-foot having to propose either similar plans or plans already instituted by the PAP.

And then out of the blue KABOOM! the by-election suddenly was about Chee Soon Juan. Like a garoupa, not the brightest fish in the ocean, Team PAP swallowed SDP’s bait hook, line and sinker.

They could blame their secretary-general for that. You’d think that PM Lee would have the experience and wherewithal to know but nope. Instead, he rode his white horse, stood on moral high ground and threw stones on the glass houses below. And he wasn’t alone. The spare to the Prime Ministership, Heng Swee Kiat decided to join in. What’s needed now is for the chief of the cavalry to charge in and compel hara-kiri on the opponents.

Let’s face it. Character is a very subjective issue. What’s wrong for some might not be for others. What’s wrong before, might not be now. Admittedly, Chee has a penchant for not telling the whole truths, for engaging in dramatic politics and a loud-mouth.

But the thing is; who doesn’t know about his character flaws? Everybody does. So for the PAP to harp on the obvious is to bring back the holier-than-thou attitude which has been roundly despised, and to draw attention to their own failings.

In the first place, the reason why we are having this by-election is because the former PAP MP was caught with his pants down.

So now it is all about Chee Soon Juan. No longer about Murali. Not about his policies. Not about his plans. Should the voters show any sympathy towards Chee as the bullied instead of hating him for being the bully, PAP will lose.

Murali and the PAP need to seize the initiative again. They need to re-focus their campaign to what they are good at; managing a town council.

If they don’t I will have to quit smoking for a few days so as to afford my Maggie mee.

By: B Goode

Recently some Bangla terrorists were arrested in Singapore. Instead of rallying together as a nation in the face of the clear and present danger, Chee Soon Juan decided to find something to blame and surprise surprise he decided to blame the government for having a lax immigration policy thus allowing terrorists to enter and work in Singapore.

How in the hell would the government know that a clean cut foreign worker coming into Singapore would later grow a beard and become a terrorist?

So I have listed here the things that Chee Soon Juan would have done if he was the Minister For Home Affairs. Sorry Shan. There’s a new kid on the block.

• He’d build a 1.5m concrete wall (because Bangladeshis are not very tall) around Singapore and asked the Bangladesh government to pay for it. Then he’d call Donald Trump and say: “Yo Bro! I’ve built a wall and made Singapore great again. Where’s yours?”
• Ban every foreign worker from sporting beard because he saw that all terrorists had one.
• Abolish the ISA and because of that he could only charge terrorists for the offence of sporting beards because possessing pamphlets containing bomb making instructions, and a list of names, including his, of those to be assassinated is not an offence.
• If the terrorists were sentenced to jail, he’d pardon them because `hey! It’s inhumane!’
• If the terrorists were fined, he’d pay for the fines, using the ministry’s budget of course, because `hey! It’s inhumane!’
• Policemen would not be able to carry firearms because the Bobbies didn’t, so why should the Makanpows?
• The Home team would be called The Chee Soon Juan Team because `hellooo! I am the minister ok?’
• You could see him at Jalan Bahar Civil Defence building at 1 o’clock in the morning because he’d be a full-time Minister.
• During lunch time, you could meet him at Kinokuniya bookstore for a book signing event for his latest book titled: `How to be an unemployed politician and succeed!’
• He’d manoeuvre to kick Lee Hsien Loong out of office so that he could be the PM
• Change the constitution so that he could also be the President,
• And the Speaker of Parliament too
• During his free time, he’d lecture Singaporeans about the plight of abandoned pets. Oh wait! The present Minister is already is already doing that…

By: B Goode

That wasn’t my Mama. My Mama was more beautiful.

I wish I could bring her out for dinner this mother’s day. I wish to do a lot of things for my Mama. But of all the things I wish I could do, I wish I could again hear her nag at me just to hear her voice one more time.

Had she lived for a million years with me by her side, still I’d not be able to repay all the things that she’d done for me. I could spend a million years penning down all my gratitude and it wouldn’t be complete.

Considering my life choices, I should have been dead long before her. Whenever I was teetering on the edges of life, almost falling into the abyss, she’d be there to yank me back to the safety of her bosom.

So in a macabre way, the fact that she’s dead and I am still alive, is a good enough reason for this tribute to the greatest Mama who had ever lived!

By: B Goode

It’s all over.

Despite the by-election effect, despite the opponent being a minority, despite being the darling of the alternative media, despite the SDP putting up credible proposals, despite the PAP losing the LKY sympathy factor and the SG50 feel good factor, despite all these advantageous factors, Dr Chee Soon Juan still managed to lose the BBBE2016.

I could go on and on.

Had it been someone from the WP, Murali would have lost.

As I have written before, Chee Soon Juan is a poisoned chalice. He is like a piece of rotten meat. No matter how you embellished it, it would still be rotten.

He could argue that he got an increased percentage of the votes compared to the last GE but it wouldn’t matter. He lost a by-election that had all the ingredients for an opposition win.

The SDP might want to take a leaf from the WP. They need to rejuvenate the party. They need to freshen up. They need to cross the bridge.

When Low Thia Khiang took over the mantle of the WP from the late JBJ, the party was revitalized and went to become a force to be reckoned with today.

The SDP need to do the same. And the only way to do that is to ditch Chee Soon Juan and start anew. He has led the party for the past two decades with nothing to show for.

As long as Chee Soon Juan helms the party, SDP’s brand name will never flourish.

By: B Goode

If you wanted an example of a ballsless (pun intended) and lazy policy statement from the government, then this was it:

“Hawkers here are discouraged from using disposable plates, bowls and utensils made of polystyrene foam, better known as styrofoam, which are non-biodegradable and environmentally unfriendly. But the Government will not impose a ban on them in consideration of other factors, such as the cost of alternatives and inconvenience to hawkers and consumers.”

• Senior Minister of State for the Environment and Water Resources Amy Khor

Governments are supposed to govern. Leaders are supposed to lead. Not to cover their asses by looking for excuses not to do what they are supposed to do and that is to work.

Styrofoam, at certain temperature emits carcinogens. And as she herself admitted, is non-biodegradable. So instead of thinking of ways and means to ban the use of styrofoam, she decided to take the easy way out by simply discouraging its use.

Really? Trying to discourage hawkers from maximising profit is like trying to discourage a cougar from eating meat.

What kind of a Minister would allow the environment and the people to be exposed to poison and toxic material because it is cheaper and more convenient? Would it break her nails if she was to come out with a better solution?

Everyone could sit pretty and be a minister. But it’d take a real leader to roll up their sleeves and get down and dirty for the sake of the country.

Just because you are paid a million dollar doesn’t mean you have to look like a million dollar.

By: B Goode

So the LTA decided to monetize incentivize the operations of SBSTransit and SMRT by giving them cash as a reward for them doing what they were supposed to do.

It is akin to my mother giving money to my father for bringing home the bacon. Or me you giving money to a prostitute for…oh wait!

Crony capitalism at its very best.

Anyway, why just stop there? Since the government apparently have a lot of dosh to give away, I have henceforth made a list of persons/establishment that are also deserving of some form of monetary incentives:

1. Adam Road Nasi Lemak

During lunchtime, the queue could be as long as 45 minutes. The NEA should consider giving them monetary reward if they could cut the queue time by just 5 minutes so that the customers could use that saved 5 minutes to queue for their sugarcane juice. This also applies to all hawker stalls with damn bloody long queues.

2. The Performance Artist At Room No: 48 Petain Road

During the weekends, the queue of customers outside the room could be as long as 10-man deep (according to my friend). The MOM should consider giving her an incentive to quicken her service. (Don’t ask me how. I’ve never ever been with a performance artist before, and I swear I don’t know what she does inside). On top of that, she should be given the best-worker-in-the-service-industry award by the SBA.

3. Mediacorp

The MDA should give mediacorp cash incentives to produce more dramas so that unemployed mediocre actors/actresses like Neo Swee Lin could have some work to do and not be so free as to meddle in something she had no idea about, to wit politics.

4. Amy Khor

The NEA should give Amy Khor a $10/- Estee Lauder voucher for each hawker whom she managed to discourage from using Styrofoam.

5. CNB Officers

CNB Officers should be given a cash reward equivalent to the street value of the drugs they seized. Double that amount if they could swear to God that they had never been tempted to smoke the ganja themselves.

6. The Police

MHA should give the Police a special bonus on-top of their already lucrative performance bonus if they could apprehend the real Yishun cat killer.

7. Louis Ng

The Speaker of Parliament (she’s in-charge of MPs’ payroll, right?) should reward Louis Ng with a life-long supply of Pedigree Dog Food if he could stop humanizing animals for just one freaking day!

8. NEA Officers

The NEA officers who summoned me for smoking in the void deck should go to hell for all I care! Bastards!

9. The SCDF

The MHA should reward the SCDF officers with a $25/- Febreze gift voucher each for every fire that they put out.

10. NEA Officers

Have I mentioned the bastards who summoned me for smoking in the void deck? KNN!

11. Maids And Their Employers

MOM should reward maids with $18/- top-up cards for each day that they work without killing a baby or a granny. The employers should be given a rebate if they didn’t abuse or rape their maids during the course of their employment.

12. ICA Officers

ICA officers at the checkpoints should be given $3/- for each vehicle that they cleared. The faster they cleared the vehicles, the more cash they’d get. A win-win situation.

13. Lorry And Bus Drivers

The LTA, again (because they have a lot of money apparently) should give lorry and bus drivers $100 fuel vouchers redeemable only at legal petrol stations and not at the make-shift ones under the Angsana tree somewhere near Senoko, for each day that they didn’t maim or kill someone.

14. Doctors

MOH should give doctors new stethoscopes (observe their worn-out stethoscopes next time you visit the doctor and you might see something strange growing on the tube) if they could issue zero MCs out on Mondays and on days after a world cup match.

15. Polyclinics

Polyclinics should be given $10/- cash reward for each patient they treated without sending them for blood tests, and $15/- without sending them for x-rays.

16. Doctors, again!

Doctors should be given a slap each time they asked a patient whether they smoked.

17. Lee Bee Wah

Lee Bee Wah should be given a free course at the Singapore Zoo to study the various types of rodents found in Singapore

18. MSM Journalists

MSM journalists should be given a pay rise for each article that they published critical of the government. And all MSM journalists should be given an $88/- Popular Bookstore Voucher each if they could refrain from publishing any article about diabetes from now until December.

19. Taxi Drivers

LTA should reward taxi drivers $10.05 cash (because they just love their five cents) if they could take a passenger from Changi Airport to Pasir Ris without showing a black face.

20. Han Hui Hui

Just give her whatever amount needed for a boob job.

21. Amos

Someone, anyone please give him a fleshlight and a life-long supply of lube.

22. Ministers

Ministers should just give themselves a reward simply because they thought they were good,

And lastly,

23. Bloggers

The government should give bloggers monetary incentives because they were the reason why Singapore was not placed last in the International Freedom Index. And also because helloooo….we need to eat also ok?

Singapore’s Finance Minister Heng Swee Keat suffered a stroke whilst attending a cabinet meeting. A statement from the Prime Minister Office said that he is presently in the ICU after an emergency surgery.

Heng Swee Keat has been touted as the likely successor to PM Lee if he decides to leave office in 2020.

Born in 1961, Heng began his career in the Singapore Police Force in 1983 when he was awarded the SPF Overseas Scholarship. A graduate of Cambridge University (Economics), he became the Permanent Secretary at the Ministry of Trade and Industry before serving as Managing Director of the Monetary Authority of Singapore from 2005 to 2011.

Heng joined politics in 2011 when he was the People’s Action Party (PAP) candidate in the Tampines Group Representation Constituency (Tampines GRC).

On 18 May 2011, Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong appointed Heng to the Cabinet as the Minister for Education. He was moved to the Finance portfolio on 1 Oct 2015.

#getwellsoon

By: B Goode

Too soon?

Nah. I wish Heng Swee Keat a speedy recovery.

But let’s be honest. Very few people would survive a massive stroke unscathed. Though we wished him all the best, his doctors might want him to take things easy; to take on a less stressful job. Thanks to you people who whined and moaned non-stop, being the PM of Singapore is no walk in the park.

So with Heng Swee Keat out of the running to be the next PM, I have made a list of nominees based on a poll I conducted of 2 uncles and 1 auntie at my favourite kopitiam.

So here are the nominees, not in any order of merit. In fact, it is not in order and has no merit whatsoever.

1. Tharman

Almost everyone wants him to be the next PM because he is such a cool dude. His enthralling performances on the international stage kept his audiences in awe. He is also the Chairman of one of IMF’s steering committees which makes him so cool that he needs to wear a jumper to his meet-the-people-sessions. And he also loves our pioneer generation. Anyone who loves my grandma and grandpa gets the thumbs-up. Only point to note is that although he is also the DPM, whenever PM went on leave, the other DPM would assume PM duties. That says a lot about his pecking order. Why he is not made the heir apparent perhaps has got something to do with his age. He is already 59. In 2020 when PM Lee leaves, Tharman will be….getting his pension. Also because of his race. Is Singapore ready for an Indian PM? I say yes but China may have other ideas.

2. DPM Teo And Other Third Generation Ministers

They are out because of their age. They are of the same generation as PM Lee. If anyone of them was to be installed as the next PM, that would not be a succession, but desperation.

3. Chan Chun Sing

He is too low-key and he needs to up his public speaking game. One would have to google to check on his previous portfolios which are not very impressive and he has yet to stamp his name on any earth-shattering policies. He is more of a manager than a director, if you asked me. If he could come out with original policies and not just renaming or tweaking existing ones, and not to appear shell-shocked whenever he is in front of a camera, he’d be fine. And what’s up with the high-waisted uncle pants? You are in your forties ffs and not a pensioner! And those damn rumours about him being a member of the Lee clan that simply won’t go away….

4. Tan Chuan Jin

In politics, impression matters a lot. People’s impression of him? He is too quick to blame Singaporeans for some of the issues. For example calling Singaporeans xenophobic  for showing concerns about the influx of foreign workers in Singapore. And his comment about the cardboard aunties….So yeah no.

5. Vivian Balakrishnan

There is a reason why he is made the Foreign Minister. He talks too much airy-fairy nonsense which makes him perfect as the country’s chief diplomat. And his mishandling of the haze crisis almost got us into trouble with our giant neighbour.

6. The Woman Ministers

I have not heard a single sensible statement made by any of the woman Ministers. They are like gossipy aunties. Put them side-by-side with the likes of Angela Merkel and people would not even notice their presence. Heck! Put them in the same room as Angelina Jolie and they’d turn into wallflowers. Yes. I am that shallow.

7. The New Ministers

All the new ministers, those parachuted in during the last GE, are un-tested yet. Unless one of them could shine within the next four years, they simply have to wait in line.

And my money is on:

Tharman. Why not? He could be a one-term PM while waiting for a suitable candidate to appear. We could also argue that PM Lee should continue for another term beyond 2020. But give that man a break to pursue his other interests such as taking nice pictures. He deserves a rest.