By: B Goode

An unarmed man in a hoodie casually walked into an unguarded bank and handed over a note to the teller requesting for some cash. He was duly given $30,000 and coolly walked out.

A bank robbery? Seemed more like an unauthorised cash withdrawal.

If that was a Hollywood movie, it would have tanked in the box-office due to the plot holes unless the man was played by George Clooney and the bank teller his love interest played by Angelina Jolie.

But the incident happened in ultra-paranoid Singapore where we were willing to surrender our privacy to 68,000 roving cameras just so the authorities could catch a cat-killer or two. Yet, an open-concept bank was allowed to operate without an armed guard.

And the real culprit got away in the midst of smokescreen and red herrings.

The culprit I am referring to is the bochap attitude that is increasingly prevalent in governance. This time, the host of the bochap virus is none other than the Monetary Authority of Singapore (MAS).

*Bochap – Care-less, heck-care, fuck-care

A few days after the incident, (Yes. It took MAS a few days to realise what was happening), MAS issued a statement reminding all banks to make sure that their security arrangement are adequate. It was basically MAS telling the banks to “take care, bro!”

When I was a horny 18 years old, I went on a trip with some friends to Bangkok. At the airport, my mom told me to “take care.” With no supervision whatsoever and armed only with a broken moral compass that, after a few swigs of Jack Daniel’s, was lost between the sumptuous breasts of a Thai girl (I think she was a girl), “take care” quickly became “fuck care”.

Banks and other profit-making corporations are to put it mildly, greedy bastards. Left to their own devices, they will spend as little money on non-profit generating activities such as security.

And that is why we have government departments to ensure that they follow the rules and regulations and not to run wild in their thirst for profits.

In the case of Banks, it is the responsibility of MAS to perform due diligence on their security arrangement. When was the last time MAS did a physical audit check at the Holland Village Stanchart branch?

Most importantly, why was that branch that dealt with cash transactions and having an open-concept layout allowed to operate without an armed guard?

We could argue that only $30,000 was robbed and that no one was injured. But it could have been worse, couldn’t it?

MAS and other government departments must now start to truly understand their missions, responsibilities and the reason why they were set-up in the first place. They have to stop the bochap attitude from taking hold.

In short: get off your effing chair and start to do some real legwork ffs!

By: B Goode

Pursuant (I love this word because it makes anyone using it sound intelligent) to my article on migrant workers and alcoholism, I hereby tender another article about our horde of foreign workers who have helped to build our nation.

If you are wondering why I sound legalistic it is because I have been researching about the sub-judice thinghy. The last thing I want is to be hauled up by the Police for writing about a disease that causes the yellowing of the skin.

Anyway, a few days back, I attended a Hari Raya luncheon hosted by my rich tauke friend who owns a small construction firm to honour his Muslim workers. I was seated at a table together with his migrant workers from Bangladesh and India.

During the course of the luncheon, a few topics cropped up; their working/living conditions, their wages, political views, sex lives and whatevernots.

One of the topics that perked my interest was gambling. It all began because one of them had asked about one of their missing colleagues. He was told by the others that he couldn’t make it for the luncheon because he had gone to gamble in the casino.

From what I’ve gathered, increasingly migrant workers have been flocking to the casinos. They were not there for the free drinks and snacks although they’d like you to believe that was the case. They were there to gamble. Duh!

And apparently some of them are so addicted to it that they are deeply in debt and thus having to endure all the negative side-effects of problem gambling.

My concern is this. Why are migrant workers, most of whom are already in debt before they even stepped into our shores allowed to enter the casinos freely?

If the government had found it prudent to restrict access to Singaporeans to prevent problem gambling, why were migrant workers whose salaries were barely enough to cover their daily expenses not protected from the same risk?

It is about time that the government make a study about the effects of the casinos on migrant workers. As I was told, some of them had stopped sending money back to their country to pay the instalment for their agent fees and other debts. As a result a few had absconded after their contracts were completed because they couldn’t face the creditors back home.

Restricting migrant workers’ access into the casinos should be seen as a part of the holistic approach towards better welfare for them. We have provided them with comfortable living arrangement, with legal protection, with safe working conditions and we should now include protection against problem gambling as well.

Some of the ways would be to block access to all work permit holders or to impose $100 entry fees.

At the end of the day, there is no reason whatsoever for migrant workers to enter the casinos. It is not for relaxation, and the free drinks and snacks to be honest are really not that great.

By: B Goode

If you do not know what factwire is, it is a little known media outlet from Hong Kong. But lately, much to their editors’ glee, it has gotten a little bit more eyeballs due to its so called expose about the defective SMRT trains that were sent back to the Chinese manufacturer.

Had this been just a case of me or you sending back defective fake branded watches back to its Hong Kong manufacturer, it would not be news because Hong Kong is famous for such malpractices.

But it became a perfect storm of scandalous proportion because the conditions for such a phenomenon were precisely lined up:

1. It involved the LTA, arguably the most despised government department second only to the NEA
2. It involved the SMRT, the most reviled corporation in Singapore
3. It involved the most gaffe-prone Minister, Khaw `Harakiri’ Boon Wan
4. It involved the PAP government, duh!
5. It involved the lamest, most inconsistent and downright cringe-worthy damage control exercise

And most importantly,

6. It involved China

And so all these conditions add together to produce a volatile mixture of accusations, controversies and made-up conspiracies that almost broke the internet, here in Singapore at least.

But first thing first. Let’s talk about the so called defects.

In Engineering jargon, a `defect’ is not the same as the definition listed in the dictionaries. A defect is anything that is not according to specification.

For example, if you ordered a red table, but was given a blue one, that would be considered as a defect although the table would be totally functional. And you’d have the right to return the table.

Similarly, the defects found on the bodice of the trains, the hairline cracks, as correctly pointed out by Minister Khaw and the LTA would not in any way affect the safety and functionality of the trains. But because it was not according to specifications, the specifications being a whole smooth bodice, it was considered as a defect and returned back to the manufacturer.

*The government PR department should really take me as the head honcho.

With that out of the way, let’s talk about the real motivation for the issue to be blown out of proportion by factwire and other Hong Kong media, which unsurprisingly was swallowed hook, line and sinker by the Singapore anti-establishment.

It has got something to do with China. Specifically, an exercise at embarrassing their big brother, political master and patron all rolled into one.

The Hong Kong media suffer from an inferiority complex. Who could blame them? Previously under the British rule, the Hong Kong media enjoyed an unfettered freedom to publish practically whatever they wanted. And people, especially the administration cowered before them. But now under the rule of China, although they still enjoyed the freedom accorded to them under the terms of the handover, their target of criticism and sensationalised news (China) simply didn’t care.

And the media have lost the support from the Hong Kong elites; the business tycoons, the actors, singers, performers because these people are afraid to antagonise the big brother, their biggest market for their business.

And now, with the so called revelation about defective made-in-China trains, the Hong Kong media went to town to embarrass the Chinese using Singapore as a proxy. And some of us are gullible enough to provide them with the ammunitions with our over-the-top remarks and comments.

The SMRT trains are found to be defective. They are returned to the manufacturer for rectification. This is a normal procedure made abnormal under the glare of anti-China campaign by some elements in the Hong Kong media.

And sadly, some of us have become pawns without realising it.

By: B Goode

He has been called the biggest thief in modern history. Via his investment vehicle 1MDB, billions of dollars have gone missing, laundered through a series of shady dealings that have caused international banks to be investigated. The FBI are now suing 1MDB calling it a personal bank used by corrupt officials for their own gains.

He rules over a failed state where government institutions are filled with his lackeys. Wounded and cornered, he is desperate to cling to power. So desperate that he is now evoking racial and religious sentiments to appease to his rural support base.

His wife has single-handedly led to the near extinction of crocodiles due to her love for Birkin bags.

His name is Najib Razak, the Prime Minister of Malaysia whom Singapore has just signed an MOU for the construction of the Singapore-KL high speed rail (HSR).

No doubt it is just an MOU, but while he is being shunned by the rest of the world, why are we doing business with him?

The reason is because it makes for a very good deal.

A cornered despot like Najib craves for validation. Already his people have celebrated the MOU by calling it a great achievement for their money-pot. Whether you believe it or not, doing business with Singapore, a country seen by many as the epitome of clean governance is great for his reputation.

Whether the project will ever be completed in 2026 is another story. Whether Najib will survive that long is highly doubtful. But it’s like the proverbial saying: strike whilst the iron is hot.

Najib is desperate for a prestige project to lift his sagging image. And we should take account of his desperation to knock together an agreement that will be advantageous to us.

By: B Goode

Singaporeans are the complaint kings of the world. Everybody knows that. Which is a good thing because according to a study made by a group of professors from the NUS, complaining is a good way to de-stress.

UPDATE: The NUS study has been made null and void because the group of professors have been found to have faked their thesis, and their degrees.

Joke aside, even a doctor with a fake certificate from Myanmar can tell you that complaining is really good for the mind, body and soul. This is one of the reasons why Singaporeans live for so very long. So long that even the government cannot decide on our retirement age because they cannot tell when we are actually going to die. So they make us work and work hoping that, that will finally cause us to kick the bucket and save them a few million dollars in medical subsidies.

So a group of Ang Mohs from Michelin decided to give a star to a few hawker stalls. You’d expect Singaporeans to be happy because finally our hawker fares are being recognised albeit by a tyre company. But nope. We complain that there are other stalls worthy of the star.

Look. If you need a tyre company to tell you what is good to eat, then you really need to get your tongue checked. One of my favourite stalls is the nasi padang stall at Desker Road. Yes. I went there for the food. Not the hookers.

The makcik served an out-of-this-world fish roe cooked in chilli padi and coconut milk. It is worthy of 5 Michelin stars. But don’t expect any stars from the ang moh judges who are more accustomed to cheese and snails than fiery hot chillies. They’d be lucky to survive the ordeal with their tongues intact.

And then we have the brouhaha regarding the lack of live broadcast for the Olympics on TV.

I’ve got one question for these people who are apparently still living in the stone-age of media broadcast.

You guys still use TV?

By: B Goode

A new silliness is sweeping the planet where people are going around collecting virtual Japanese cartoon characters that look like over-sized bacteria and with names that I am sure in some obscure languages are considered obscene.

Like Pukimakkau.

It is called Pokemon Go. If you’ve not heard of it, either you are from another planet or you have better things to do in your life.

In the thirty odd countries where the game has been released so far, cases of grown-up men fighting to be the first to catch a Pokemon, of children being lured, kidnapped, molested and raped, of illegal trespasses, of death because an idiot had fallen off the ledge of a building in his eagerness to catch the creature and other horror stories have emanated which make you wonder whether it’s better to just take hallucinogenic drugs for the thrills instead. At least if you took Ganja, you’d just be lying on your bed giggling at all the stupid antics of the Pokemon players. Like what I just did.

And of course the game will be coming to Singapore soon whether the government like it or not.

It has to come because we pride ourselves in being a global, international metropolitan where we take in immigrants from all over the world, some of them un-screened communists and Islamists, and some others whose behaviours are not as cute as the Pokemons. So why should we be afraid of importing some Japanese cartoon characters? At least they don’t spit in your face.

Already the Minister for Communication who ironically doesn’t communicate much, Yaacob Ibrahim has said that the government will make a study about the social impact of Pokemon before deciding on what to do. Let’s just hope that the ones making the study have genuine qualification.

But really there is nothing to study. In a country like Singapore where practically everything we do is technically an offence, we have enough laws and regulations to cover whatever antics and shenanigans by the nothing-better-to-do Pokemon players.

What the government need to do is just to issue an advisory to tell the players to play responsibly, safely and to consider all the laws.

Say for example, if a player was found trespassing into an army camp to catch a Pokemon, he should be promptly arrested and charged in court. He should not be allowed to plead for leniency just because he was playing Pokemon Go, and he definitely should not plead insanity just because he was a 53 year old father of four addicted to a cartoonish game. In fact, he should be given enhanced sentence for being an idiot.

And if someone fell to his death off the ledge of the roof of MBS because he wanted to catch a Pokemon, we should just pretend to be sad and say RIP and then proceed to laugh behind whatever was left of his shattered back.

By: B Goode

It is very refreshing to read a damning audit report that doesn’t involve the AHTC or the WP.

No doubt the AGO audit didn’t include the AHTC but still it went to show that if you nit-picked and scrutinized something deep enough, there were bound to be lapses.

But the important question would be: What’s next?

All the government and statutory departments implicated in the multi-million dollar lapses when asked said that they accepted the report and would make amends to ensure that the lapses would not be repeated.

But none of them said that the officers guilty of the lapses would be taken to task.

In case they had forgotten, those lapses involved taxpayers money. And in the case of some departments such as the HDB for failing to collect carpark charges, it involved loss of income for the government. If that is not dereliction of duty, I don’t know what is.

Punitive and disciplinary actions must be taken against anyone responsible for the lapses. If not, what is there to deter new lapses from occurring?

If anyone had any doubt about taking disciplinary action against the culprits, just ask yourself this question:

Had the culprit been the AHTC or WP or any of the opposition parties, would you be baying for blood?

By: B Goode

After reading some of the alternative news sites such as the now defunct TRS and KNN, and their replacement, ASS, along with others such as TOC, TI-SG, WUS and a few more, you could not help but feel your intellect dropping a few notches.

In the case of me, because my intellect is already kind of low, it dropped to zero and then I had to spend a few hours reading Kahlil Gibran to get it back up.

And that is just by reading the articles. The comments section is a different kettle of fish altogether. After reading them, you’d feel like you had been blasted by a cosmic energy of stupidity so strong that it caused your brain to develop cancer.

And it seems like this plague of inanity is spreading everywhere; the forums, the comments section of MSM pages, social media postings and the latest; the NUS perverted orientation camp.

It is however not limited to Singapore. It is in fact, a global phenomenon.

Social scientists have branded this new social wonder as anti-intellectualism; the need to look stupid in order to be cool. It is like a badge of honour to be accepted into the coolkids club. Logic, reasons and facts are thrown out of the window to be replaced by sheer stupidity.

It is all fine and dandy if it is just for some giggles and entertainment. I mean, who hadn’t post a stupid comment or two in the internet just to troll.

But when politicians and people in authority exhibit this kind of behaviour and believe in their own stupidity and having people believing in that stupidity, then we are in for trouble.

Cue Donald Trump.

And our very own village idiots:

The problem is accentuated when the government and policy-makers cannot distinguish between anti-intellectualism and real issues and grievances, and start to react to purposefully stupid opinions as though they are relevant and real. This explains why the government PR department is lately grappling with trying to counter some of the criticisms leveled at them.

Take for example the case of Minister Tan Chuan Jin and his durian trip to Johor.

Amidst the swirl of stupid comments, lay the pertinent question of why were he and his entourage accorded special treatment by immigration? He should have just tackled this issue instead of attacking the accuser, WP Mp Png.

He should have just explained that whether we like it or not, he is a Minister after all and Ministers all over the world, not only Singapore, are accorded certain privileges and that includes pre-clearance for them and their entourage when visiting other countries. Period.

Anti-intellectualism is no doubt fun. It is a new form of comedic relief. The government however, must recognise this and not to be side-tracked by non-issues that were meant to be nonsensical irreverence.

In short, don’t get trolled.

By: B Goode

NB: Ok maybe the title is a little bit misleading but if you can’t check whether your ticket has got the winning numbers or not….

So I was queueing up for toto this afternoon because the prize had snowballed to more than $4 million. Unlike someone who could depend on donations from some obscure Arab sheikhs to become a billionaire, I had to depend on winning the lottery to become a mere millionaire. And I am no longer young or else I could sell my bac…..nevermind.

Anyway, there was this frail old lady with a walking stick (no I am not exaggerating ) in front of me. When it was her turn, she asked the counter girl for a printout of past draws’ results. The counter girl told her that they no longer issue any result printouts. The frail old lady with a walking stick with tears rolling down her wrinkled cheeks (ok I made that one up) asked the counter girl how could she check on her results then?

The counter girl pointed to the self-service kiosk and asked the frail old lady with a walking stick with a pair of eyeglasses as thick as my forearm to check the results from the machine.

Seriously? How could a company with a multi-billion dollar annual turnover thanks to their ill-gotten gains from gambling that according to all religions would cause them to burn in hell deprive frail old folks from a little enjoyment in their twilight years?

The official bullshit was to care for the environment. What have a few pieces of printed paper got to do with caring for the environment? The paper is already there. Meaning the trees are already dead. And if the Singapore Pools are truly sincere in wanting to save the trees, why not cut down on the use of paper altogether? Why not just digitize or virtualise or whatever the term is (computerise!), the whole process? Have the tickets ordered online. Oh yes that’s right they can’t because some folks do not know how to operate the computers and thus Singapore pools will lose their precious dollars.

So the truth is that it is all about cost savings. A multi-billion dollar gambling company saving a few dollars at the expense of making frail old folks happy. You guys will get cancer, mark my words.

So if frail old folks couldn’t check their results against printed result slips, what would the alternatives be? Let’s discuss:

• Check on the website, facebook, twitter and the kiosk.

So they expect old folks to use the computers? Old folks are like my grandma. They are terrified of modern machines. Why do you think you see a lot of old folks queueing at POSBank branches to withdraw cash? Because they don’t trust the ATMs. Not all old folks are like Hillary Clinton who is computer savvy. She is so savvy that she operates her own private e-mail server.

• Buy newspapers

Old folks are very thrifty. They will not spend a few cents on a newspaper just to check on lottery results. And they don’t buy newspapers for the news because they get all the news from their hairstylists and barbers.

• Get their friends to check for them

Their friends, if they are still alive, will be just like them. So see pt 1.

• Get their younger family members to check for them

Old folks will not want to bother family members for something as trivial as lottery results. And chances are, their family members may not even know that their affable, lovable grandma is actually a big time hustler.

• Ask the counter girl to check from the ticket machine

And so they are left with the last alternative which I actually offered to the frail old lady with the walking stick. But to my horror, she took out a stack of about fifty tickets, maybe more, and gave to the counter girl. And so I had to wait in line impatiently for about 30 minutes until she had completed checking all the tickets.

I truly deserved it.

Me and my big mouth.

By: B Goode

In the aftermath of the sex-themed parties masquerading as orientation camps fiasco, the National University Of Sexually Starved Students Singapore (NUS) have decided to cancel all orientation activities.

This is like the old saying: Burning the bed after you discovered your husband was having sex with the maid on it. Errr… maybe not. I remember the real old saying having a mosquito in it.

Anyway, many people would see NUS’ decision as a victory of reasons over stupidity, of NUS having the moral courage to take action against lewdness in the face of extreme criticism.

But I only saw dogs barking up the wrong trees, and a red herring swimming amongst a school of piranhas.

It is pertinent to note that when horror stories of female students being subjected to sexually abusive raggings, of them being violated and molested first came out, the NUS simply issued a lip-service stating that those responsible would be taken to task and future camps would be closely monitored.

But as soon as videos of students getting dunked went online, the NUS decided to put a stop to all camps. It is like saying it is alright for women to be sexually exploited but not in a bootcamp.

People have said that these types of sexual raggings happened annually. This is more the reason why NUS must be taken to task for turning a blind eye to such misconduct.

We shall see whether NUS’ promise to investigate and to discipline those found guilty will actually happen. If not, we could say that the cancellation of all future camps was just an attempt by NUS to pull wool over our eyes; to distract our attention away from NUS’ own liability at enabling such gross misdemeanours.

And those students who felt violated during the camps, so violated that they felt the need to run to the media to complain, they should make a Police report.

Nothing like a Police investigation to whack the living daylights of NUS administration so that they’d take more proactive measures to prevent such things from ever happening again.

By: B Goode

It is inevitable, isn’t it?

It is only a matter of time before Singapore is hit by a terror act. It is not about Singapore being bombed because let’s be honest; it would not be easy to smuggle in explosives into Singapore considering the chronic jam at the Causeway and Tuaslink which would turn off even hardened terrorists.

It is those lonewolf attacks that we should be worried about.

Our security forces especially the ever secretive ISD officers are working very hard around the clock, that is if a clock only has 8 hours (kidding!), to counter this threat. Quite a number of people have so far been arrested and put behind bars.

The latest being an ISIS agitator who was arrested for promoting violence and radicalising others into being extremists.

So kudos to them.

I do not know how many ISD officers there are because they are not supposed to tell although I suspect my neighbour is one. But in a war against terror, the government needs all the help it can muster. And the best help is from the general population itself. We can be the ears and eyes of the government and in this internet age, the eyeballs.

But the problem is that, trying to report a suspicious comment or website or page is very cumbersome. The only way to report directly to ISD is via the hotline or writing an email. The last thing I want to do is to talk to an ISD officer because he may just turn out to be my neighbour.

Alternatively, we could report via the MHA or the Police websites. But MHA and the Police have other things to worry about. And knowing Singaporeans, those two organisations could be inundated with complaints about dead cats so much so that complaints about suspicious internet activities on extremist radicalisation might go unnoticed.

What is needed therefore is for ISD to have a presence in the interweb. They have no choice but to be a social media player. Eaves-dropping at other people’s conversation in the coffee-shops is no longer enough.

They can start off with an official facebook page. With a facebook page, the ISD can then disseminate important information and advisories.

But most importantly, it makes submission of information so much easier. All we need to do is click the link or forward button without the need to make a phone call or writing an email.

You are welcome.

By: B Goode

For a lot of Singapore students, the path to University is paved by hardwork, homework, tuition, tuition, tuition, anal parents, discipline, brand’s essence of chicken, chaperoned outings, dance classes, piano lessons, latchkeys and repressed emotions.

It is like living in a gulag.

Teenagers with raging hormones living in a controlled environment is like an overflowing dam waiting to burst.

So having travelled that wretched path and finally getting into a University and living in a student hostel, it feels, smells and tastes like….freedom.

And when they get together in an orientation camp with little or no supervision, all those past inhibitions and tensions are suddenly let loose in an orgy of seemingly wanton debauchery.

The dam has burst.

Future camps have since been cancelled, the Student Union has apologised and the NUS have promised a thorough re-think of future camps. The students involved however feel that they have been misunderstood and say that actions and reactions against them are unwarranted and unjustified.

So is it fair?

In re-thinking future camps, the NUS must not curtail the students’ exuberance in experiencing their new found freedom. University life must not be made into just a continuation of the miserable path of discipline that the students have to undertake in getting into the University. It has to embrace the fact that for most of the students, they are transitioning into adults.

On the other hand, overly-protective parents send their children to the University not to be molested. The parents need to be given some assurances that their precious children will continue to be protected. They need to be given a little more time to realise that their Ah Boy and Girl-Girl are actually grown-ups now.

My suggestion is for future camps to be organised by professional team-building groups; sort of the team-building exercises that most companies now have during their annual retreats. Let’s be honest, orientation camps organised by young adults with repressed childhood, for similar young adults with repressed childhood will lead and have led to seemingly unbridled and unrestrained eyebrow-raising activities,

Having the camps organised by professional team-building groups will, although not perfect, allow the students to discover and experience their new unfettered lives while at the same time giving the parents a modicum of comfort that their precious life investments will be supervised somewhat.

By: B Goode

The Singapore Prevention Of Cruelty to Animals (SPCA) have advised the public not to buy the rabbit fur key-chains because…wait for it….wait for it….wait for it….they are made from real rabbit fur. Duh!

Fortunately however, the SPCA have left lovers of Prada leather shoes, Louis Vuitton leather bags, Lanvin leather belts, Dolce and Gabbana silk dresses, Birkin bags, well you got my drift, to continue to enjoy the products made from similarly killed and skinned animals.

I don’t know why the prejudice. Perhaps because the rabbit fur key chains are being sold in pushcarts and neighbourhood shops and are meant for plebs whilst the luxury items are for the bourgeoisies.

Or maybe because rabbits are cute whilst crocodiles and cows are not.

In that vein, I hereby list the three best eating places in Singapore that may cause members of the SPCA and other blinkered animal lovers a heart attack.

1. Rabbit Stew

Ristorante Da Valentino

200 Turf Club Road

The Grandstand #01-19

Made from the freshest rabbits, yes the same type of rabbits kept by you as pets, and slow cooked with mushrooms, butter, stock and roasted garlic, it is “as wonderful as that first crisp day, when leaves are falling, schools are back in session, and football is on the TV.” The meat is tender and not gamey. Cuddly has never been this delicious!

2. Turtle Soup

Very Lucky Turtle Soup Stall

#02-38/49, Berseh Food Centre

As the name suggests, you will be very lucky to find a seat during lunch hours. Made from freshly shelled and finely sliced (most probably with a heavy chopper) green turtle meat. Boiled in an assortment of herbs, the soup is best served hot and eaten whilst admiring the live turtles still swimming languidly in the tanks at the stall. The meat is tender, tastes like chicken and you will never know that you are actually eating the inspiration for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Who would ever think that such adorable creatures could leave you screaming with gastronomic delight? Or in the case of SPCA, just screaming.

3. Frog legs

Jurong Frog Farm

56 Lim Chu Kang Lane 6

Ever wondered why Miss Piggy looked at Kermit the Frog with lustful hunger? Because of his legs. Frog legs to be precise. Here at Jurong Frog Farm, you can go on a pre-meal tour of the farm, learning about the frog life cycle, listening to the croaking of the frogs and you can even pet them, whilst the chefs in the kitchen butchered gently cut the fat meaty legs off the traumatized frogs. The fried frog legs are a taste to behold. Crispy and without a hint of what you are actually eating, it leaves a tinge of no regret in your mouth. Kermit the frog will never look the same again!

You are welcome!

By: B Goode

There are many reasons for us to be thankful for having Indonesia as a friendly neighbour.

Housemaids, cheap and reliable food source, supply of natural gas, 9 months of fresh air (hehe), billions of tourist dollars, billions more stashed in our banks, military training facilities, keroncong, dangdut, trade and the list could go on and on.

And not to mention the paradise island of Batam where the food is scrumptious and the hookers vivacious, according to my friends of course.

Most recently, Indonesian security forces have foiled an attempt by a group of ISIS sympathizers to attack Marina Bay using rockets to be fired from Batam.

Some of our reactions to that news were baffling and downright absurd. We ridiculed it and questioned its veracity. We wondered whether it was just a ploy by the Indonesian government to raise its stature with the world. We argued whether the group were actually capable of getting and firing rockets to traverse all the 20km separating Batam and Singapore. Some of us even laughed at it as though it was a joke.

Does it matter whether the group are capable or not? The fact that they planned such an attack was good enough for us to be concerned. And bad enough for the Indonesian authorities to take action.

So I say; thank you Indonesia.

Which brings me to the point about Singapore-Indonesia relations. We are entitled to be frustrated and even angry at some of the antics by the Indonesian Ministers especially on the haze issue. We can laugh at the Indonesians for their corruption and inefficiencies. But the crux of the matter is, without a friendly and accommodating Indonesia, we will not be where we are now.

A belligerent Indonesia can disrupt Singapore’s trade. A belligerent Indonesia will turn away foreign investments because foreign companies want a safe haven for their capital. A belligerent Indonesia is simply not good for our little red dot.

So we have to tamper our negative perception of Indonesia with the reality that we need Indonesia to be stable, friendly and prosperous. And this is not only for us Singaporeans, but more so for our government leaders.

When it comes to serious matters such as cross-border terrorism, and when Indonesia has shown good neighbourliness by thwarting a plan to attack Singapore, we have to give credit where credit is due and be quick to show our appreciation.

So once again I say: Thank you Indonesia!

By: B Goode

It was Singapore’s 51^st birthday but what should have been a day of celebration, like many of us, I had nothing to do.

So as with tradition, I had wanted to write something nice about my country but I stumbled upon the dreaded writer’s block. It wasn’t because of the lack of nice things to write about. Platitudes were aplenty. But I found myself repeating what others had written and ended up being Captain Obvious.

I felt so jaded this year. Maybe because I am getting older and rose-tinted glasses don’t look good on me anymore. So despite what Bloomberg had claimed, I was feeling miserable.

Then after watching the National Day Parade live on TV, it crossed my mind as to why I was feeling the National Day blues.

I could have been watching the reruns of previous years’ parades and I wouldn’t be much the wiser. For the past few years, the National Day parades had been the same old thing repeated ad nauseum.

We had in fact reached Peak Singapore where it would be very difficult to top our present achievement. We could maintain it for sure but if we were not careful, it would be downhill from now on.

Even the PM’s National Day speech against the backdrop of Punggol left me with the impression that we are living in the golden age of Singapore. No more promises of a prosperous future. No more vision of better tomorrow. In their places were the abstract bullcrap of unity, diversity and…I fell asleep.

Remember back when our political leaders used to promise us the moon? Of the Swiss living standard? Of peace and prosperity? Guess what? We have arrived!

We are living in Peak Singapore.

And I for one am glad to experience it and equally glad that I’ll be dead in fifty years’ time. Because ceteris paribus, the future doesn’t look good.

In the very near future, this little red dot will have 6.9 million citizens. Coupled with a few million more migrant workers, and a few million tourists, at any given day, this small island will have to contain more than 10 million people.

As it is now, this country is so damn freaking crowded. Have you been to the shopping malls or the parks or any public places during the holidays lately? You could hardly move. And forget about going on a short sojourn across the causeway. The jam will kill you.

And the infrastructure is just cracking at the seams.

And with global warming and environmental degradation, we are in for a very tough ride. Year after year, the temperature is rising. We are like crabs sitting in a pot of water with the temperature slowly being raised to boiling point. We will not realise it until we are all dead.

And the thing is that, there is nothing much we can do about it. In order to progress, this is the price we have to pay. Unless the government can think of better alternatives, and unless Singaporeans realise that the price is too much to bear, we are seeing the end of Singapore’s golden age.

So welcome to Peak Singapore! Where in fifty years’ time, it will just be a distant memory.

Enjoy whilst it lasts!

By: B Goode

The government has just announced a $7.2B deal for the two bus operators to…..run buses.

The agreement involves 11 bus packages with estimated total contract fees of S$5.322 billion for SBS Transit and S$1.865 billion for SMRT Buses.

First of all, let’s get the amount into perspective.

Yahoo, a company with a huge global brand recognition was sold for less than that amount. And the operating infrastructure for SMRT’s NSEW MRT lines was bought by the government for $1B.

So $7.2B is a freaking huge sum of money. And it was approved off-budget, meaning the expenditure was not tabled in Parliament as part of this year’s budget.

For that kind of money and for something as seemingly complicated and absurd as paying existing bus operators to operate buses, the government should have tabled a motion in Parliament for debate.

Of course we can argue that getting Parliamentary approval will be a meaningless exercise since the PAP government is in the majority but that is beside the point.

The point being; the government could then explain more in-depth and provide more clarity about the plan, rather than just issuing of a short statement which left people scratching their heads.

I for one would like to see the following questions being answered by the government:

• How did the magic number $7.2B derived?
• What is the money for? Since the government has already stated that there will not be any transfer of assets, what is the money for?
• If the money is to ensure better performance by the bus operators, it is akin to saying that we should pay the Ministers more to get them to perform better. Oh wait!
• If it is the cost of buying back existing contracts that were signed by the government many years ago with the two bus operators, could we then say that the $7.2B is the price that the government pay for its mistake?
• Can the government assure us that this new bust contracting model will not be another mistake?
• And finally, how will this money be disbursed?

Parliament is there for a purpose. It doesn’t matter if the elected members thought of themselves as mere estate managers. One of its purposes is to get the executive branch to explain things like this.

It is therefore incumbent for the government to show good faith in tabling a motion in parliament to get its approval for extra-budgetary spending.

By: B Goode

I ran out of goosebumps that I might need to run to Tekka market to look for some geese.

Joseph Isaac Schooling has just won Singapore’s first ever Olympic Gold Medal!!!!

Dafuq!!!!

And I just ran out of exclamation marks.

Let’s not turn this into a political statement. Let us just cheer, cry, laugh, dance, fly, meditate, do whatever we do best to celebrate this historic occasion; a human achievement. Let us dedicate today to Joseph Isaac Schooling.

Joseph Isaac Schooling; the epitome of the human spirit, endeavour, enterprise and I just ran out of platitudes.

If ever you needed an excuse to do something crazy today, do it for Joseph Isaac Schooling. Get drunk, fornicate, buy a car, max out the credit card, run naked, wallop the kambing soup, get lost in the moment.

Because years from now, someone somewhere might ask you this question:

‘What were you doing on the day Joseph Schooling won the Olympic Gold medal?’

Would you want to say that you were catching Pokemons?

Me? I was in my swimming trunk in a bathtub with a woman I called Josephine who came dressed as a school headmistress.

Don’t judge. I will celebrate today however way I like. Because today I want to be Joseph Isaac Schooling.

By: B Goode

All superheroes have their own humanly backstories. Batman and his murdered parents, Superman and his destroyed planet, Spiderman and his puppy love, Wonderwoman and her lack of manlove.

Joseph Schooling and his hormones:

But that’s what makes them believable and more likeable. And that is also why many of us find it hard to believe in the biggest superhero of them all, God. Because going all omnipotent and supersaiyan on mere mortals like us is something that our minds simply cannot comprehend. If only God has a sad backstory….

In a country that for years has been yearning for a hero, Joseph Schooling has suddenly been hoisted up into the hallowed halls of Varhalla to sit amongst the residents.

Understandably, there have been calls for a public holiday (annually mind you) to honour his achievement. Calls for a street, school and whathaveyou to be named after him. He has been summoned by Parliament to listen abashedly I’d imagine, amongst the gathered estate managers as the government try to take credit for his achievement and turn it into a political proclamation somewhat.

As if a million dollars is not enough.

And I pray to Zeus that they don’t find a kryptonite in his blood samples.

So what’s the big deal about Aquaman serving or not serving National Service?

Truth be told, it IS a big deal.

National Service (NS) is Singapore’s sacred cow. It has been so infused within our national psyche that it is no longer just a mandatory vocation for 18-yr old males to serve to defend the country. It has become an ideology.

So NS is more than just arming ourselves with rifles, or revolvers or power drills. It has got a lot to do with national unity and cohesion because what’s the point of defending a fractured nation?

Therefore in this regard, Joseph Schooling has done and is doing his National Service because almost overnight, he has managed to galvanize the whole nation into one.

But should he be exempted from NS or his NS be deferred a second time?

People have been exempted/deferred from NS for lesser reasons.

But my take on this is to allow him to defer his NS for as long as he continues to be a galvanising force, or to consider his achievement as already serving his NS and he can then serve his reservist giving motivational talks in schools and being a role model for our youths. In short, being a national hero.

But to totally exempt him from NS? No.

Because at the end of the day, even Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne have to pay taxes.

By: B Goode

This month is the month when hungry ghosts roam the earth looking for food and some entertainment. Yesterday in Parliament, they had some from the Workers’ party (WP). I don’t know about the food, but there was certainly a lot of drama dished out by the WP’s wayang troupe.

For 7 hours they gave a performance worthy of their monthly allowance. Their target audience, whoever that might be (ghosts and the living deads), might have been impressed but for many other discerning viewers, it was a waste of time.

First thing first. I for one am not in favour of this contempt of court thinghy. In a roundabout way, I agree with the WP in that the law on contempt of court is way, way too broad. But it is not because it infringes on freedom of speech as they have argued. It has something to do with the democratic system.

Many people are not aware that the judiciary forms part of the government. And in a democracy, the people is king. But since the judiciary is not elected by the people, there must be other means for them to be accountable to the people. The law on contempt of court in effect cuts the means for the people to put the judiciary in check or the ability for the people to scrutinize the performance of the judiciary.

So why did I say that the WP was just performing a wayang show?

Because the law on the contempt of court has been around since the British set foot on this island. Only thing is that it was carried out based on precedents.  The Administration of Justice (Protection) Bill that they debated in Parliament yesterday was actually the same thing except that the law is now written down.

So what exactly was the WP against? It seemed as if they were only against the law being written down. Because if they were against the law, they should have done their protest a long, long time ago. It seemed as if they had just realised that there was this draconian law simply because they saw it written on a piece of paper.

Lest they forget, they have six MPs in parliament. Enough for them to table a Bill to renounce the contempt of court law. The British did it in 2013. Granted the Bill will never see it being passed considering that they are in a minority but at least it would be a proper way to go about it and not seen as pandering to the masses or simply put, performing a getai show.

Will the WP do it? I highly doubt so because knowing the WP, it will be too much of a hard work for them.

So on behalf of our `brothers’, I would like to give the WP a slow clap. It was one helluva show!

By: B Goode

Let’s start off with a joke (thanks Jenny!) that is so bad it is actually good. And it ties in nicely with this article.

During the NDR, PM Lee had actually wanted to announce Tharman as his successor. But just before he did that, he saw an image flashing in front of him.

This:

And he fainted.

Anyway joke aside, I wish PM Lee good health. Always.

It was LKY who once said that Singapore wasn’t ready for an Indian PM. And judging from what was said by PM Lee at the NDR, Singapore is still not ready.

A few days before the event, the government mouthpiece, The Straits Times published a survey conducted by IPS on racism in Singapore. The conclusion they made was that there was a degree of mild racism amongst Singaporeans.

The thing about surveys is that though they can be conducted in a very scientific manner, the conclusion is always opened to subjective interpretation.

If say 69% of Singaporeans love chicken, does that mean that the majority hate ducks?

Similarly if the majority of Singaporeans prefer to have their own race as the President or the PM, does that mean that they will not accept person of a different race?

It is hard to say but there is a difference between racism, racialism and mere preference. But in this age of special snowflakes and where people are sensitive and have an opinion about anything under the sun, racism seems to have evolved into something bigger than it what actually entails.

Take this picture for example:

I see it as Ellen just being Ellen but some people see it as Ellen being racist.

Racism in its original incarnation involves something more than mere preference for one’s own race or racialism. It involves hatred and in its extreme form, violence.

Thankfully in Singapore we don’t have the prevalence of that, yet. At the very most we have racialism. Just take a look at your NRIC. There is a column on race. The day when that becomes unnecessary is the day when we can truly say that race is no longer an issue in Singapore.